One of the joys of my life is making my husband feel awkward. I love it so much that I don’t even care that saying it aloud makes me sound like a nightmare of a wife. It’s just that fun.
My husband is profoundly innocent. What’s so beautifully ironic about this is that he’s a recovering alcoholic and attends meetings with people who are decidedly NOT innocent. He regularly comes home from meetings wide-eyed about things he heard.
There’s a purity in his heart that I love, and that I also love to pick on.
Imagine my delight when I discovered a new mascara called “Better Than Sex.”
This is my moment, I thought.
I sent him a text.
Me: Hey, could you drop by Ulta on your way home from work? I need a few things.
Husband: Sure. Just send me a list.
Me: Nyx Butter Gloss in Crème Brulee, and a new mascara I want to try. It’s in a pink box. It’s called Better Than Sex. If you need help finding them, just ask; they’re always really helpful.
Instantly, my phone rang.
Rebecca. Is the name of the mascara a joke?
I put on my best nonchalant voice. No, of course not. It’s in a pink box. Just ask if you can’t find it.
Rebecca. (He likes to repeat my name when he starts getting that panicky, uncomfortable feeling.) I can’t ask for that.
I’m sure you’ll be able to find it. Pink box. Thanks so much!
I hung up before he could hear me laughing.
He called me a few hours later from the store. Got the lipgloss, but I can’t find the mascara.
Oh ok, just ask. I’m sure they’ll know exactly where it is.
Rebecca, you don’t understand. A woman already asked if I needed help and I said no. I’m not going to ASK for something called…(he lowered his voice)…Better. Than. Sex.
Hun, that’s ridiculous. Just ask her and be cool about it. Don’t act awkward.
Rebecca (again with the name), this is me. I can’t say the word sex and not be awkward.
Oh, I know. That’s exactly why I sent you.
Through the phone I heard the saleswoman ask him again, Are you sure I can’t help you find something, sir?
Well, I really didn’t want to have to ask for this. My wife wants a mascara called Better Than…(he lowered his voice to a near whisper)…Sex.
Perfect, I think. WHISPERING it won’t make you look awkward at all. This was too good to be true.
I heard her say something, but I couldn’t make out her words.
He came back on the phone. Apparently I was standing right in front of it. I have it. I’m on my way home.
He came in the door. You enjoyed that, didn’t you?
I erupted with laughter. You have no idea.
As for the mascara: false advertising, but it is pretty damn good.